How do you convince someone who hates them self, that you love them?
I’m dating again. It’s been a year we’ve been back in touch. He is from my rock n roll youth and we have crazy history, like a Mills & Boon novel, after the last one I would never have entertained another relationship if it weren’t him. There are moments that are so great I think this is it, forever.
The problem is, he doesn’t like himself. Life hasn’t been easy and he’s had to make difficult and harsh decisions, but he is inherently a good man.
I see this, the nobility and kindness he possesses, plus much more and I love him for it, but he doesn’t believe it. He can’t believe that someone like me could possibly be in love with him.
I hand wrote a list of all of the reasons I love him, and I gave it to him, but he still always responds to my declarations with “why?”
Motivation has never been a strong characteristic of mine, but lately it’s at an all time low. I’ve been struggling with particularly low mood again for weeks, exacerbated by peri menopausal symptoms it’s been pretty brutal. Thing is, I’ve been doing this so long I’ve gotten really good at hiding it. At appearing to be “normal” and in control. Only those really who really know me well know the signs. They check in with me, and whilst appreciated , that’s not expected, my mental health wellbeing is nobody’s responsibility but mine.
During these periods I spend a lot of extra time at work, I prefer to be there because at least there I feel productive and necessary. I also tend to make rash decisions I later regret, in attempt to feel in control of my life.
I’ve been the only person living in and messing up this house for a while now, and yet sometimes I struggle more to keep on top of it than I did when 4 of us were chaotically co-existing!
The past couple of months I’ve literally come home from work, heated up a ready meal, fallen asleep on the sofa, crawled into bed and then done it all again the next day. I show up for work clean and tidy and I do my job damn well, be a normal, capable person, for a while and forget what’s behind the scenes, then I come home and just sleep. Sleep is escape.
Trust me, I am crucially aware that there are awful things going on in the world right now, and that some people would give anything for not having hoovered for weeks to be their biggest worry, and that it really doesn’t fucking matter, but life is relative, and just because our struggles aren’t as dire as others doesn’t make them not important. It’s ok to feel how we feel, we can still empathise with others and help where/if we are able to.
Yesterday I worked to cover a colleague with covid, resisted getting another takeaway and forced myself to cook something vaguely healthy instead and slept early which meant I also woke early.
Today I I got up and made a tea, looked around at the place and decided I needed a win. I needed to accomplish something today, no matter how small, so I hoovered. That’s it. That’s all. And that’s ok.
My goal for the day, is to load the washing machine and dishwasher, hoover the kitchen, sitting room, hallway, stairs and bathroom, mop the kitchen and bathroom. So far I have hoovered the kitchen and sitting room. And that’s ok. If that’s all I can manage today, that’s ok.
I was once given a very valuable piece of advice and I have passed it on to my kids. Whenever they are struggling or overwhelmed I ask them “how do you eat an elephant?” The first time they thought I was crazy, but now they get it. You cannot eat a whole elephant in one sitting. You have to chop it up and do it in chunks. Just whatever you can manage at a time.
If you can’t clear a whole room, just do a corner, just the part in your eyeline. If you can’t face doing all the dishes, just do a couple, hell, buy paper ones and just chuck them! If you have to sit down to vacuum, so be it, Tomorrow is another day and we’ll do a bit more, we’ll get there.
Last night on Netflix I selected “play something” and ended up watching ‘Feel Good’. It was funny, heartfelt and honest, I laughed til I cried and I cried til I sobbed.
I love trash tv that you don’t have to really pay attention to, but I also like important stuff that makes you think, makes you look inward and soul search. I won’t post spoilers, but it’s definitely worth a watch, very cleverly written with one of those (for me anyway) “Sixth Sense” moments. Anyway, the subject matter got me thinking.
People are complicated. Shit happens and people hurt us, friends, family, lovers. Whether it’s emotional or physical, everyone has those people in life who’ve hurt them, betrayed them but they’re still around, we might not understand it, and that’s ok. We should be able to confide in those we love and for them to listen and accept our decision on how (or if) to deal with it. It’s completely normal (and kind of lovely) for them to WANT to “out” and murder the person in question, but it’s not ok make you feel afraid that they WILL. It’s not their fight or trauma to deal with.
There’s a lot hype recently with ‘me too’ and its easy for other people To say “oh you know you have to cut them off, make an example of them, ruin their life, get them cancelled” or whatever, “you owe it to other victims, it’s your responsibility to stop it happening to anyone else”.
No, that’s bullshit.
The person to blame is the one who hurt you, and who might (have) hurt others. It is not your responsibility.
If going public, screaming and shouting to anyone who’ll listen helps you heal, great, do that. If keeping it to yourself and even allowing that person to stay in your life is what you need, that is fine.
So, Shocker! I have actually caught myself finding someone attractive.
I mean I know that’s not such a weird thing, I am after all, a grown woman who has had romantic relationships, but it’s been so long since I’ve seen anyone that way at all, that it took me by surprise. It wasn’t just a passing “I would” either, there were dreams of kisses (nothing more obviously, the thought of being that intimate with anyone still makes me want to puke) and actual daydreams of a relationship! Crazy.
It’s not something that can be acted on anyway as even if it was reciprocated (which it probably wasn’t) as there could be absolutely no future in it, and that’s fine as I still don’t think I’m really ready, emotionally or physically I’m not where I want to be. I need to continue to work on myself inside and out, try to get to a point where I feel comfortable in my skin. Like RuPaul says. if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love someone else?
When I began my last relationship I was in good shape emotionally and physically, felt great. I was in a really good place in my head and that made for healthy relationship (apart from the lying, and the cheating).
I’m doing a lot of soul-searching, a lot of self-care exercises and working through stuff to try and reclaim? myself. The me I had built myself into.
I’m not particularly bothered about being with anyone at the moment. I get lonely ofcourse but I’m feeling quite positive, I’d rather use this time to get myself sorted and wait until I meet someone good for me.
Lets just hope my instincts are better this time. This past chapter might’ve been crap, but the future is mine to write.
Today I had my COVID-19 vaccination. I thought long and hard about Whether to get this one (the AstraZeneca) with all the news about the risk of blood clots, as I am high risk for things like the minipill due to my mum having had a stroke when I was two and a half years old. I did some research, spoke to family and my GP and in the end I decided that it was worth the risk. I haven’t seen my parents for a year now and I miss them a lot. All of us being vaccinated is a step towards being back together.
I was really lucky. When my mum had her stroke she lost all of her right side but she lived. I am fully aware how fortunate I am to have been able to keep her, to still have her in my life and for her to be able to meet my children. She is amazing, but I also mourn for the mum I lost.
I was just a toddler, not really old enough to know someone, I mean she’s mum and I had bonded with her and loved her obviously, but you’re not really a person yet, so you can’t really have relationships. The mum I was born to was gone in a sense, but she shone through in the amazingly strong determined young woman who had to learn everything from scratch, to walk, talk, feed herself, interact, everything in order to have her life back.
When it happened my grandparents stepped in and were fantastic, they already knew each other and had somewhat of a relationship which I think really helped but they basically took over caring for us kids whilst dad was with mum. I can’t imagine how scary that must’ve been for both of my parents, obviously mum going through it herself and dad suddenly has lost the woman he fell in love with and has two children under the age of 4 to cope with as well as keep a roof over our head and yeah, overwhelming. He once told me a story about my mum’s dad (my grandad) I’m not sure if it was the night it happened or soon after that he apparently told my dad to just go, just leave, that he and my grandma would take care of the kids and my mum and at the time he was outraged, absolutely enraged angry that he could say such a thing, but I think I understand it. He was giving my dad an out. They were so young and this huge awful tragedy happened and I think it was kindness not cruelty. In later years my dad and grandad became close, and I’ve never seen my dad cry the way he did at my grandfather’s funeral.
Our house was filled with love and laughter, our grandparents were very involved and Mum did an amazing job even with one hand and not being able to communicate very well she was, is, the most able bodied person I think I’ve ever known despite her disability.
Adolescence is hard for everyone, being a female teenager without your mum is even harder. Even though she was there it wasn’t like other girls and their moms. I was like the devil to my mum and I regret it every day. I remember walking to school and stopping at the phone box on numerous occasions to call and apologise because I’d been so very vile in the morning. Looking back I think it was frustration but she didn’t deserve that, she did an amazing job in spite of everything and loved me so much. (Karma is a bitch though cos I got twin daughters payback which mum finds most amusing!).
I’m okay with it most of the time but occasionally I’ll get really sad. I wonder what she would’ve been like if it hadn’t happened. I feel like I get my fierceness from her, like my stubbornness and independence. There is a photo of my mum at about 18 flashing her bra on the seafront at skeg and I love it! its amazing and I think it just sums up how she was. I love who she is but wish I could’ve known that woman. I wish I’d been able to go out drinking talk about all the usual growing up stuff, boys, clothes make up bras the whole thing and most of all I wish that she hadn’t had to go through what she did.
I had a happy childhood because I think we just got on with it. The teenage years were more difficult, when I started to question the way things were. It was dads way or the high way basically in our house and I wonder if she would’ve let him get away with that, if I would’ve had different views and opinions if the stroke hadn’t happened and she could communicate clearly. It must be so frustrating for her to know what she wants to say and not be able to say it, to have an opinion not be able to voice it and I think that made me even angrier at the fact that my dad was so opinionated and what he said was law, because I do have a voice and I can communicate and I wanted to be heard and be my own person. There were a few years where things were not good but ultimately I think when you have your own children you start to understand that they were doing what they thought was best, even if sometimes you cannot even begin to fathom how they could’ve thought that was best for you. mostly I think parents act from a good place.
I’m close to mum and dad now. My dads relationship with my daughters is totally different to mine. With me he was a bit of a tyrant, really closed off and I guess I do now understand why to a certain extent, but he could’ve been more open and I think that would’ve helped me to deal with What happened to mum, but it is what it is. Their relationship with my girls is amazing, they are so close to mum and they talk about everything under the sun with dad, he is so open it’s unbelievable. I love that he has changed so much and is now very accepting. Anyway my arm really hurts I’m going to try and get some sleep but I hadn’t written for ages and I really wanted to try and get something down. It’s a bit rambly, maybe I’ll refine it later. In any event, the takeaway of all of this is that my mother is a legend. I appreciate her so so much and I am proud to be the daughter of such a warrior queen.
Tonight during family time away from her phone my 19 yr old daughter received some messages on fb from a man. The 1st said “hi beautiful” the 2nd, about 10 mins later simply “fuck you” (presumably for not replying or not replying fast enough). She did not know this man. She blocked him immediately.
Her sister confirmed that this, inappropriate messages and unsolicited dick pics are a regular occurrence & they are used to it. This has happened to me, to every woman I know. Worse even, I’ve been called vile names and even threatened for politely declining advances (thankfully less so as I age & become invisible to men).
This has made me so angry! They, WE, shouldn’t have to get used to receiving abuse for existing. Men, if you must msg a woman you don’t know (it’s weird, just don’t) and she doesn’t reply, that’s the end. Don’t keep trying, send abuse for not replying or worse, send a photo.
& before someone says “not all men” – others, you know it happens, if you know someone who does this call them out on it! Tell them it’s wrong, otherwise you are complicit & just as bad.
Mostly I’m ok. I’m a proud person, independent and strong but sometimes the urge to reach out and let him know just how much damage his lies did and how much it still fucking hurts is almost painful.
I’m sure he never gives me a second thought and has moved onto another lovely girl (or two!) and I know that it wouldn’t do any good, but at times Id just like to know I’m not alone in still feeling like shit about it all, lying in the dark in tears wondering why, once again, I wasn’t enough.
I don’t message for many reasons, not least that it’s not fair to keep bringing it up, that I don’t think it would actually help, and that part of me doesn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing. Another part wants him to know. To feel bad.
Also I suppose one reason I don’t, is fear of the reaction. People are nice and kind whilst it serves them, once it no longer does they can be incredibly cruel, and I don’t want to hear that. I don’t deserve that.
I still go over and over it, did I miss the red flags? Were there any to see? Am I that stupid? When he made me feel great, was he gaslighting me? What was the punchline? Because until that moment, it was really really good. And I feel stupid for allowing myself to be happy again.
Honestly the thought of being intimate with anyone again physically or emotionally makes me feel violently sick.
A year ago tonight I went for a drink with a guy. I thought it would just be a drink but by the end of the night he held my hand and very shortly thereafter, my heart. After 4 years of not allowing anyone close enough to hurt me, of trusting nobody, I finally chose him and in return he chose to break it.
I don’t talk about it anymore because it’s been long enough and nobody wants to hear it, and I should be over it. I’m not.
Ive been doing ok, but it’s been a tough few weeks. I should have been just back from a week in the sun, celebrating his birthday and looking forward to our anniversary. I just constantly want to call him and scream “how could you do this?” But I know it wouldn’t do any good.
Add on top that lockdown seems never ending, that I’ve not seen my family or friends for months, not had a hug from anyone but the twins since my heart was broken, and now them leaving for university… tough doesn’t really cover it.
I’m lucky, I know there are people I can talk to anytime. I find it really difficult to ask for help, even just to talk. Especially now after all this time, my brain convinces me that I’m being a burden, being stupid, should be over it, and so it’s easier to just shut everything out and cry and sleep, but I promise I’m trying to do better.
SanguineSmile 